02 Mar 2022 20:27 with digitalfox/BitlBee
digitalfox [20:27:47]
'ello Agris!
Pardon the unfortunate timing - at the time you messaged, I was nearing bed, and I wound up running out of steam the following days. I appreciate your patience.
* digitalfox crouches down, offering a firm, fluffy hug, if desired. [20:27:47]
Agris [20:28:22]
=3
* Agris steps forward and hugs the digits of your paw, nuzzling lovingly into them [20:29:00]
you caught me at an interesting time. just before going to bed, and just before growing up for macro march too
will you be celebrating?
* digitalfox smiles and happily swishes his tail, flexing those digits - since he's crouching down anyways, he can bring his fingers AND toes into play! Thick, fluffy, with [20:35:19]
leathery pads, scrunching and snuggling over your head, muzzle, and body too, mindful of the zappiness.
Ah! It's growing late for me, too, I hesitated but I figured it'd be nicer to reach out and hug you even if we were nearing resting.
And, ooh... That sounds fun!
As for myself, I don't have anything planned for Macro March... I might have some older sketches to post, though, not sure yet.
Agris [20:37:02]
well thank you for reaching out anyways
i'd like to do something together for macro march
not sure what yet tho
<3
* Agris feels in between your fuzzy fluffy foxy digits as you splay them, then getting re-squeshed with the most INTENSE hug they've ever gotten as you force them back together [20:38:22]
<3
*falls
* digitalfox softly laughs, pleasantly tickled by your tiny touches. With his dexterous digits dwarfing you, he effortlessly embraces you, enveloping you in that fierce, but
careful grasp, alternatively flexing his fingers, then his toes, providing a potentially pleasant contrast in the nimbleness of his hand versus the heftier strength of his [21:02:44]
foot. There's no doubt, you're in good paws! :3
Ah, I see!
I will be absent for the middle of the month (going to visit Mom); I'm not sure how present I'll be.
But I do wish you well with your scheming!
08 Mar 2022 20:00 with digitalfox/BitlBee
Agris [20:00:45]
https://0x0.st/oPF4.mp4
14 Mar 2022 17:25 with digitalfox/BitlBee
* Agris hugs you [17:25:11]
27 Mar 2022 20:23 with digitalfox/BitlBee
digitalfox [20:23:38]
I realize you're hurting - the stuff you're dealing with sucks, a lot.
Unfortunately, as I'm still sorting out my own situation, I just.. don't have consistent energy to talk in real time with you, let alone help the way a counselor might.
(Inversely, I've wound up pulling back from a few other social settings, too. I don't feel it's fair to you or others to give a false hope of availability.)
I've saved your XMPP contact details and I will reach out to you if things improve. I do wish the best for you, fennercti.
Agris [20:26:57]
do you have some idea of what's been going on?
i sure hope so, because it's very confusing and hurtful and full of people lying
for whatever reason
digitalfox [20:37:02]
I'm not sure.
I was asking to withdraw just because I don't have the energy. Nobody told me about you to prompt this.
Agris [20:51:30]
i have been suffering from cyberbullies following me around the internet, not just irc or xmpp, mucks too and the fediverse
harassing me
defaming me
slandering me
ostracizing me from clubs, communities, and groups
friends abandoning me
aquatancees abandoning me
won't tell me real reasons why
even they tell me anything at all
than just ignore me and pretend like i don't exist
some of them have been intimidated and threatened into not talking to me
i can't sich which people told me this without putting them in danger
there was another attack on me 2 nights ago
i went..... into a dark place ='(
i hoped to ask you some questions about what you might have seen
when your better
yes i'm contacting athorities about this
some friends
i don't know what is going on
ugh...
i'll try to continue later
or
better i'll just stop and wait for when your better
i don't want to burden you more
digitalfox [21:53:58]
Sheesh, all of that sucks.
And your point of others "pretending [you] don't exist" is actually part of my motivation - I don't think it's fair to hang around your XMPP roster, only to not really be able to talk for
months on end. I'd rather tell you instead of dancing around it.
On that, my reasoning hasn't really changed from over a year ago - it's continuing to take more energy than I expected to make this transition in my life (job/moving out/etc), and while
I've made some progress, I've realized I still need to refocus more of my energy.
* digitalfox reaches down and squeezes his arms around in a firm farewell hug. [21:53:58]
I appreciate your understanding and patience, and recognizing that we do need to focus on our individual situations. I wish you the best with getting to the bottom of what's going on,
and I don't have any grudges against you.
And as noted, I will keep your contact details and reach out when I'm ready. Please don't worry about me, or try to check in. I promise I'll take care of myself.
Agris [22:17:36]
> I don't think it's fair to hang around your XMPP roster, only to not really be able to talk for months on end. I'd rather tell you instead of dancing around it.
nonononononno, i want you here. Sometimes I feel like your part of it, but your occaisonal checkins and re-assurances remind the logical part of my brain that's not what's happening. And
I like you.
PLEASE DON'T FAREWELL
PLEASE GOD NO
that's pointless
Agris [22:20:26]
that would hurt me digital
there's literally no cost to being an entry in my roster
don't do this to me
* Agris cries irl [22:21:01]
don't
please
no
> I appreciate your understanding and patience, and recognizing that we do need to focus on our individual situations.
that's fine and true but unrostering is unneccecary and irrelevant to that
i spent all this time, being patient with you... and you won't with me
> Please don't worry about me, or try to check in. I promise I'll take care of myself.
i would worry about you if you did that
and also
it would cause more great emotional damage to me
don't
please
Agris [22:28:25]
let me decide what's fair to me and not
Agris [22:50:45]
don't do this digitalfox
digitalfox [23:15:34]
You mentioned being patient with me.. but.. what are you waiting for?
I didn't foresee my life getting thrown upside-down by my parents' divorce while I'm living at home. I've never experienced something like this before. If I had known all the crap I'd
go through over the upcoming years, I'd have told you much earlier that you should not wait for me.
I just don't have the social capacity. I don't know when that'll change. And I'm sorry it hurts to hear this.
I've had many folks just drop off talking to me over the years. It sucks, I still hate it, but I can't make them want to spend time with me. All I could do was look at myself, see if
there's anything amiss (among other things, I've learned to get better at respecting others' boundaries, including when folks asked me for silence), and.. try to move on.
I only wish they would have taken the effort to acknowledge how things had deteriorated between me and them instead of silently disappearing into the wind...
Knowing how I've felt then, I had hoped that offering you the courtesy of acknowledging I'm not able to keep up would've made for a less awful experience compared to silently
disappearing.
Agris [23:29:52]
I'm not sure why your mentioning how you've had folks just drop off talking to you over the years. I'm not doing that to you, but that's what you seem to be doing to me? If your trying to
tell me to do something I need you to not be ambiguous about it as I'm not good with picking up on those sort of things, social sidechannels.
I don't want to abandoning you. That seems to me like what your saying you want to do to me.
I Understand you don't have any social capacity right now. And I'm trying to respect that boundery of yours, I think i'm doing a pretty good job of it too, not intending to be pushy if
that's what your implying.
I'm waiting for when you feel better and have enough social energy to socialize again, because I'm not going to abandon my friends. That's just not the kind of person I am. I am extremely
loyal to my friends and you are one of them.
>I only wish they would have taken the effort to acknowledge how things had deteriorated between me and them instead of silently disappearing into the wind...
If there is something you want me to acknoladge please be explicity about it. But it seems like dissapearing into the wind silently is what YOU want to do to me by removing yourself from
my roster. I'm trying not to be pushy. I'm trying to give you your space, I've only sent you a couple of posts every couple of weeks and even then awaited patiently for your delayed email
like query-response being respectful of that.
I can and will continue to wait for you to be able to have social capacity
please don't dissapear though
no matter how you go about doing that, it will hurt me
some more than others
i don't see it as neccecary
if you think i'm not giving you enough space, just tell me explicity that's what's going on and what I can do to provide you with what you want
no social sidechannels
or subtleties
double-meanings
Agris [23:42:24]
> I only wish they would have taken the effort to acknowledge how things had deteriorated between me and them instead of silently disappearing into the wind...
if your talking about other people, then yes. It is hard and it does cause deteriation going out this long, but you've never done anything to hurt me
yet
at least not explicitly and on purpose
28 Mar 2022 00:18 with digitalfox/BitlBee
digitalfox [00:18:09]
To avoid any confusion or side-channel ambiguity (I know it can be difficult to navigate):
I am asking for silence, for you to not reach out to me.
I realize this is difficult. But this is the boundary I've set, and if you respect this, you won't keep trying to change my mind.
28 Mar 2022 00:19 with digitalfox
Agris [00:19:52]
gosh that was terse and didn't answer any of my questions
i am hurt